Divorce and Your Emotions
Just as the legal and financial process of divorce will take time, the emotional process of separating from your partner and establishing yourself as a healthy single individual will take time and will happen in stages. Divorce causes major emotional upheaval in the lives of everyone it touches. Most people find themselves to be alternately angry, sad, bitter, hopeless, and overwhelmed during the divorce. They may feel adrift or afraid of what the future holds. They may romanticize their ex-partner and feel that to be together again, even in an unhappy marriage, would be better than being alone. Sometimes they blame themselves or believe that if they were stronger or more in control, they wouldn't be in so much pain.
These feelings are all completely normal. Everyone who divorces experiences them in some form or another. However, these feelings can be made worse if you have unrealistic beliefs about the divorce process. Below is a list of the most common "emotional illusions" associated with divorce. If you recognize yourself in these statements, you may need to change your attitude toward divorce. As you move through the recovery process, try to replace these negative messages with more positive, productive ones.
Divorce Illusions
1) The divorce is my fault. I made a mistake in marrying my spouse and now I'm facing the punishment.
Divorce is not the fault of one person's bad actions. Nor does it erase the happy times you may have shared earlier in the marriage or the joy that your children have brought you. When you consider that about 50% of marriages end in divorce, it becomes clear that divorce is not a personal failure or flaw, but a common life transition that many people experience and survive.
2) Divorce is just a piece of paper.
Divorce is a major life transition, and it will affect every aspect of your daily life, your family structure, your financial status, and of course, your emotional health. If you deny the emotional effects of the changes, you may avoid pain in the short-term, but you will prolong your long-term recovery.
3) It's not normal for me to feel this sad/depressed/angry about the divorce. I must be going crazy.
Above all, you must remember that your feelings are normal. Everyone who goes through a divorce experiences some level of pain. Do not judge these feelings as "good" or "bad." Accept your emotions, but don't hold on to them for longer than is healthy, either. When the time comes, you will be able to move beyond your initial feelings of anger and sadness.
4) My spouse and I are going to divorce amicably with no hard feelings.
While it is admirable to go into divorce with the intention to behave respectfully and fairly toward your ex-spouse, it is unrealistic to think that you will not encounter anger, sadness, or emotional distress. If you are prepared to encounter these emotions, you'll be better equipped to deal with them.
5) After my divorce no one will love me, and I'll always be alone.
This is another common belief of those who are recently divorced. However, just because one relationship ended badly, this doesn't mean that all others will. Although in the short term your divorce will be painful, in the long run it may open up the possibility for you to be in a happier, healthier relationship.
6) Everything will be fine once I leave my spouse for my new boyfriend/girlfriend.
If you have rushed into divorce and have a new partner waiting, you should be aware that many of these "waiting in the wings" relationships do not last long. If you do not examine your past and explore the behaviors or patterns that prevented your marriage from succeeding, you are likely to repeat the same behaviors with your new partner.
7) I can't trust the opposite sex. I'll never want to get married again.
Many people feel that they will never again be willing to enter into a new marriage and open themselves up to possible hurt. But as Belli and Kranztler point out in their book Divorcing the majority of divorced people do marry again, and many of them have happy, satisfying relationships in their new marriage.
8) I'll never be happy alone. I need to find someone to love me so I can get married again.
This attitude is just as unhealthy as its opposite, #6. If you expect your future partner to meet all of your emotional needs, chances are you'll never find someone who fits this tall order. Rather than rushing into dating to find someone willing to marry you, you should take time after the divorce to become a healthy single individual, in touch with your own feelings and behaviors. Otherwise, you may end up divorced again.
Moreover, for parents, rushing into dating again may not be the healthiest thing you can do for your children. You will need to take some time after the divorce to re-establish a family routine with them, and they will be particularly in need of your support at this time. Make sure that your children feel secure in this new phase of life before you introduce new partners to them.
Dealing with the Feelings of Loss that Divorce Brings
Divorce brings with it a number of losses, and these losses will naturally have an effect on your state of mind. When you lose your partner, you may be losing the person who takes care of your home, cooks for you, does the housekeeping, keeps up the cars and lawn, or does maintenance around the house. You may be losing the daily routine that you are accustomed to, the daily contact with your children, the comfort of your family home, your sense of economic security, your extended family or social network, and your sex partner. It is easy to become overwhelmed by your sense of loss, but you should try to view these losses with an alternative eye. Focus on what you can accomplish and where you are heading rather than what you have lost. Consider making changes that will improve your situation. For example, divorce may present you with a good opportunity to re-asses your career choices, to change jobs, or return to school. It may provide you with the time to take up new hobbies or to meet new people. You may find, as you establish new routines, that as a single person, you enjoy being in control of all the changes in your life.
You may find that your social life changes tremendously after a divorce. Some of your mutual friends may "take sides" with your spouse or become uncomfortable with you once you've divorced. It may be that your divorce makes them feel insecure or unsatisfied in their own marriage. But you shouldn't assume that your friends will not be there for you without giving them the opportunity to reach out. Recognize that your relationship with your married friends might change, but this doesn't mean that you can't still be friends. Sometimes divorce presents an opportunity to renew friendships with people you care about. If you want to meet new people after your divorce, consider joining a club, taking out a personal ad, attending singles events through your church, purchasing a vacation package for singles, or volunteering.
Stages of the Divorce Grieving Process
It takes time to recover from the pain of a divorce. But the good news is that you can work through these feelings, and they will get better in time. Divorce involves grieving, and grieving is a process. It may help you to get through the grieving process if you expect to go through the stages listed below.
Denial/Anger
For many people the first stage in the divorce process is to experience denial, shock and anger. At this stage, even very rational individuals can act in irrational and unpredictable ways.. At this stage you may not accept that the marriage is over, or you may blame your ex for the failure of the marriage. You may experience physical symptoms of emotional distress, such as lack of appetite or excessive eating, problems with nausea or headaches, and loss of sleep. These physical symptoms are normal, but if they persist for weeks, you may want to consult your doctor for treatment.
Depression
Once the reality of your divorce has sunk in, you may find yourself feeling down and depressed. The symptoms of depression include some of the physical problems listed above, but they also include a lack of energy, difficulty completing simple tasks, a fear of being alone or a lack of desire to be with others at all, frequent crying, or frequent and overwhelming feelings of sadness and despair. These feelings, too, are normal. If your symptoms persist for a long period of time without improving, if they keep you from handling your daily tasks, or if you fear you may not be able to go on in your current state, you should seek out counseling and psychological treatment.
Withdrawal
A third stage in the divorce recovery process is withdrawal. After you have accepted the reality of your divorce, you may find yourself isolated. The withdrawal might be accompanied by feelings of loneliness, coupled with a lack of interest in life or an inability to take action and change your circumstances. You may find it difficult to become actively involved in a social life or to establish a new parenting pattern with your children, especially if they no longer live with you.
The separation from your spouse will leave an empty space in your daily life, and you will need to fill that space with new and healthy activities. These activities might include new hobbies or pastimes, working out, or spending more time with your family. No matter how you choose to fill your time, you should try your best to remain active so that the isolation does not become a long-term state.
Recovery
Eventually as you pass through the mourning stages of divorce, you'll find that you no longer feel the acute pain, denial, depression, or isolation that you once did. At this stage you will feel healthy and satisfied as a single individual. You will have established a new routine that works for you, and you will have healthy relationships with others. You will be ready to date again. You will be well on your way to recovery.
The Timeframe for Recovery
During your divorce you may not feel that you will ever recover. You may not be able to imagine yourself without the sadness, anger, depression, or withdrawal. These stages are absolutely normal-even essential-to your eventual well-being. But they are not permanent. Things will get better.
Belli and Kranztler point out that the mourning stages can last up to two years. This is the case for many people, but not for everyone. For most people, the grieving process begins with separation. But some individuals focus so much on the legal and financial aspects of divorce, that the emotional problems do not hit them until after the settlement is final. Finally, for some people these stages begin long before the separation itself. If you have been emotionally distant from your spouse for a long time, particularly if you have moved into separate bedrooms and stopped living as husband wife, your mourning process might have begun long before the divorce itself.
You may feel an initial sense of relief and freedom after separation and think that you have recovered from the end of the marriage. But don't be surprised if the feelings of sadness or depression return after the divorce, if you move between these stages more than once, or if you occasionally feel that you have regressed. This is normal. Of course, if as the months pass, you don't feel any improvement, if you are stuck in one stage indefinitely, or if you fear you need help recovering from the divorce, it may be wise to seek out professional counseling.
Note: Parts of this article were adapted from the book, Divorcing, by Melvin Belli and Mel Krantzler.